Is this the end of the beginning? Or is this the beginning of the end? I really don't know, but its frustrating, tiring and sad and i'm starting to feel very afraid and small. Maybe its because i'm testing it - like i wanna know that you'll still be here for me even when i'm mean. I'm sorry i've been like that lately. Because you're going away, and i need to know that the skype chats and the whatsapps and the inconvenient hours wouldn't change a thing. I'm not even someone who's conscientious about replying messages or emails, and you're not like that either :( what if we can't keep up with each other's lives anymore? Its a lousy feeling, an insecure feeling, and i hate feeling like that. But it bothers me everyday and in many ways.. the first thing people say to me when they hear you're going on exchange is: "so how?". I don't know how. It hurts that i don't know anything and i don't know whats going to happen. When i talk about it to other people, i always think of it objectively. Like "i'm gonna buy him a coat when i'm in Europe so he can take it on exchange", "i'm saving up money so i can visit him at year end". The truth is we can't guarantee it. The minute you talk to me about it, i can barely listen without feeling super lousy. I wish i could be more supportive. I can't complain either, because i know everybody will say the things i already try to tell myself. Who am i kidding? The only person who can make me feel better is you. But you look as lost i am. Like you don't know what you can say or do to assure me. Because we both don't know. And that is what scares me the most.

Today's event was quite a milestone - i'm not exactly sure i can say it went as well as i dared to hope it would, but it wasn't a disaster either hahaha. Yes i met SH's parents officially for dinner today to celebrate his brother's birthday. And it was nice too. They're so different from my parents, and my family, but in a way that is really endearing as well and i think i smiled a little bit too and quivered when i spoke but on the whole, phewww :)

Your hand it fits
Perfect in mine
The world has stopped
And so has time.

SH's gonna go on exchange in Holland next semester, which is a quite a bummer for me but i'm happy for him. Although i'm not sure how we'll deal with the distance because the two of us have been like muah chee (what our friends call us) for so long haha but i really hope we'll do okay. I think i'll be very lonely because he's the one who knows how i feel about things all the time, even though he usually has no opinion or has no idea what to say when i'm all angsty or upset haha but at least he's there.. :( well i'm not putting too much thought into it yet, just thinking about it makes me feel really really scared.

On a more positive note, summer in 5 days! These exams are likely to be my worst - the panic hasn't even hit me even though finals begin tomorrow and i'm still studying at sloth pace (die la). Haha. But i'm just too tired to care, can't wait for this to be over. Can't believe before entering uni i was so enthusiastic and bright and excited for everything. Now i'm just the opposite hahaha oh nooo it feels like as i get older i am really gonna get more jaded boo. Things to feel happy about:

• England and France with Hwee summer 2011! I've booked the ticket!!! :D
  
• Nike buddy run with my snailpal Jac
• ...

If i list them all, i'll never get back to studying. Which i should. Haha oh nooo

Fizzle sizzle. Sizzle fizzled. Sizzling fizz.

Tired :'(

What a nice happy SH day :)

Now that we've been together for quite a while haha i guess things are no longer dreamy the way it used to be. Not that i'm complaining though haha. The semi-squabbles, fake-fights (we call it fake-fights because by the end of the phone call one of us says something stupid and we laugh and usually we forget what stupid thing we were sort of annoyed with each other about) are inevitable but kinda our way of being totally honest with each other. Haha i don't mean like we weren't before - but its different? Its a good different, a nice happy comfortable secure kind of different. Like i can get be kinda angsty if he's late and stuff, but i know its not something that will ever jeopardize what we have. Actually i'm not sure that makes sense but haha yeaahh..

Anyway it was a nice day, because i got to support him at his frisbee IVP! I really hate the part where i get there and he's on the field and there's no one in the stands i know and i stand around awkwardly amongst the crowd of supporters. But its always worth it just seeing him play, whether its for the whole game or parts of the game. Its just nice watching him so in the zone and getting to hug him afterwards.

These days with all the school work piling up and i'm not productive as i'd like to be, its stuff like these that just remind me that school realllly isn't everything. And sometimes i know that even though these days we squabble with each other sometimes and spend way less time together, at the end of the day we're still as happy (or maybe even happier!) than when we first got together.

Ok off to bed :) exams in two freaking weeks. Damn screwed for it but boy am i looking forward to suuuummmerrrr!

I'm looking forward to dinner with Dee later hehe and i can't wait to eat this dessert thingy they have at serangoon gardens :p its just glutinous rice with ice cream and coconut milk all over and its the kind of yummy for a sweet tooth like me.

So much for enjoying and chilling out last weekend i'm probably gonna pay for it with the extra backlog i've to clear the next few days. Yikes work is piling up again - consti law presentation next week, the essay, then psych individual assignment, presentation and on and on... Can't believe we're in the middle of week 10 already!! SUMMER in just 5 weeks hahaha this is unbelievable.

At first i was feeling kinda bummed out that i haven't booked tickets to fly anywhere or have a concrete holiday plan because everyone can't seem to confirm their dates with internships looming and all that. But then recently i've been feeling that it'll be so awesome being here in Singapore without any work to do at all. Just like post-As and last summer except for the internships in between. Long lazy mornings, swimming, coffee in the afternoons, cycling at ECP, taking long walks by the reservoirs, late night suppers, meeting up with friends and being so happy yippee everyday! I can't wait. And if SH does go on his exchange next sem then i really have to save up money since i've gotten the green light to tour Europe with him this dec :D but yes, i can't wait for Pris to be back (for good this time yayyy!) and Hwee and i'm kinda sorta looking forward to the internships i have planned. Its gonna be a good good summer. I can feel it. Hehehehehe.

Okay but i really have to catch up on consti now! Back to work!

Finally done with research paper and got to catch my breath over the weekend :) On saturday SH and i went to Chinatown and ate famous porridge and ah-ballings (what a weird name!!! but they are really the yummiest tang yuans ever). And i spent the evening at Samuel's birthday party where we played monopoly deal, volleyball and supper with dee and lydia too and came home much later than i normally do. And on sunday, i spent it trying to clear some backlog but the best part of the day was taking a break with SH - we bought koi and took the lift up one of the highest blocks - 40 floors!! - in Toa Payoh and hehe the view is pretty awesome from up there. I could actually see the Flyer!

Not sure why i'm listing what i've done over the weekend here, but i guess its because i had so much fun and got to chill after being bugged down by so much work for so long. Most weekends i'll be back in school studying so this was a nice happy break doing things with the people i love very much <3

Good things this February :)

Taylor Swift concert with Dee - AWESOME because we got to wear corny caps, sing very happily along to cheesy songs, and dance like (and with) tweens hehehe and not care about what people think :D

Dog-sitting Brownie - the cutest dog in the whole world. Got to walk, drive, hug and play everyday with carpet-face for a week!


Mummy's birthday which we celebrated at Pete's Place and had a very nice lunch with Godma and Godpa too. And Valentine's day with SH - i successfully made a lunchbox hehe and we lunched near school before chionging back for our meetings :( but still!! It was lovely. I love you :)

And Abc's birthday at Fort Canning and meeting the girls and having a blast playing Taboo hehe.

Yes i've survived February - 2 mid terms and 1 presentation and ongoing research paper now. And still feel happy! These are the things that reaalllyy get me through school.

Blessed <3

2 days short of 22 months ago i think today was a day i anticipated and maybe even for a long time afterwards, something i knew and cherished to know. But hush-hush things like that, all these secret hopes and memories that are kept eventually melt away into the whirl of everyday life. I don't think they are forgotten, but then again, when once in while they surface, it does command wistful feelings... so yes, i remember march 18, and today i remembered its january 17th, but it hardly matters anymore. And i really can't believe life has turned out like this.

SH and i are en route to a perfect 10 months, and sometimes i feel scared because the scariest thing is the future, right? We never know what to expect. But the best thing about SH is knowing that he's my pillar of strength everyday... he'll never melt away even in the hustle and bustle of shitty smu life. And the best i can do is always be my best for him, hoping he'll do the same too. The memories I have aren't secrets for me to keep, but to share. No more having to harbour secret crushes, because hello SH! I love you so much, and i get to tell you that everyday, see you everyday, love you more and more each day :)

It’s going to be a cold winter
But I wont need the heat to keep me warm
As long as you wrap yourself around me
On christmas mornin’
Whether it’s now or later
Got to tell you before you go, that
Love is always in your favor
And now you know that
All i want for christmas...
All i want for christmas...
All i want for christmas is us..
All i want for christmas is us...

What happens when you're at the crossroads and then you choose one path and its a path of no return? When you've already given up so many things to stay on this path, to keep going at it, as much as you feel like the further you venture, the woods only get thicker? What happens when every day you feel like giving up even more, when the efforts don't pay off, when people think they understand but really don't, when its all eating you up inside and you hate it so bad and you feel like a loser but there's really nothing you can do about it?