Is this the end of the beginning? Or is this the beginning of the end? I really don't know, but its frustrating, tiring and sad and i'm starting to feel very afraid and small. Maybe its because i'm testing it - like i wanna know that you'll still be here for me even when i'm mean. I'm sorry i've been like that lately. Because you're going away, and i need to know that the skype chats and the whatsapps and the inconvenient hours wouldn't change a thing. I'm not even someone who's conscientious about replying messages or emails, and you're not like that either :( what if we can't keep up with each other's lives anymore? Its a lousy feeling, an insecure feeling, and i hate feeling like that. But it bothers me everyday and in many ways.. the first thing people say to me when they hear you're going on exchange is: "so how?". I don't know how. It hurts that i don't know anything and i don't know whats going to happen. When i talk about it to other people, i always think of it objectively. Like "i'm gonna buy him a coat when i'm in Europe so he can take it on exchange", "i'm saving up money so i can visit him at year end". The truth is we can't guarantee it. The minute you talk to me about it, i can barely listen without feeling super lousy. I wish i could be more supportive. I can't complain either, because i know everybody will say the things i already try to tell myself. Who am i kidding? The only person who can make me feel better is you. But you look as lost i am. Like you don't know what you can say or do to assure me. Because we both don't know. And that is what scares me the most.