Heart heart heart is so jetlagged

One little thing can make a difference to a day - i wake up in the morning, and the first thing i do is check my smses, my email, my whatsapp, my skype, my facebook. If I'm lucky, its a great happy start to my day. But if I'm unlucky, i just don't feel like getting out of bed :'(

Its not so much putting up with the bad wifi wherever you are, its not even having no replies to the messages i sent or being online 24/7 just in case you might come on skype or having to stay up just for that one chance to talk to you. Its not being able to tell you whenever i feel lousy or alone because i'd be bumming you out wherever you are. Its all about sending you happy texts, or happy emails and whatsapps. And its all about hearing about all the fun you're having and being happy for you. Its the first time i can't tell you honestly how i feel. But you're not asking either.

She looks into his eyes, and she says
"I want you forever. Forever and always. Through the good and the bad and the ugly. We'll grow old together, and always remember, whether happy or sad or whatever. We'll still love each other, forever and always. Forever and always. Forever and always."

...

As he says "I will love you forever. Forever and always. Please just remember even if I'm not there. I'll always love you, forever and always."

- Parachute, Forever and Always

I guess what i'm most afraid of is not being able to talk to you. And because you're really the only one i can talk to, i'm afraid that when you're go, i'll keep all these thoughts worries wishes and stupid ideas like bunny-ear-fingers i have inside me and they'll fade away or be forgotten before i'll have the chance to tell you. Then nobody will ever know.

Summer's ending too quickly! I've interned away almost my entire summer. Sort of. Haha except for the two weeks in Europe and two weeks in june i spent lolling about. I'm not exactly hating it - i think i've really learn a lot, from the research and the experience itself. And the time i've spent reading BBC News hahaha :) but i think most of all, i'm really starting to know what i'm reaaaallllyyy interested in, career-wise. I'm feeling like my uni decisions have been right all along, despite all the trials and tribulations. I'm not sure if this is really it: what i'm meant to do - i mean, am i even meant to do something?! But yeah it does finally feel like i'm on the path to something bigger :) and i'm almost excited for school to begin, although i'm 100% sure i'll regret saying this later.

"I think the world has been made more restless, more volatile, more impatient through the internet, and it has robbed people of contemplative solitude by a buzz of information. But these are very alterations in culture, far from diminishing curiosity, have made the world less predictable, more dramatic and accessible, full of paradoxes that have to be seen to be believed."

- Paul Therox, "Dispatch from a Shrinking Planet" in Newsweek (May 23 & 30, 2011).

Don't you wanna stay here a little while?
Don't you wanna hold each other tight?
Don't you wanna fall asleep with me tonight?
Don't you wanna stay here a little while?
We can make forever feel this way
Don't you wanna stay?

Is this the end of the beginning? Or is this the beginning of the end? I really don't know, but its frustrating, tiring and sad and i'm starting to feel very afraid and small. Maybe its because i'm testing it - like i wanna know that you'll still be here for me even when i'm mean. I'm sorry i've been like that lately. Because you're going away, and i need to know that the skype chats and the whatsapps and the inconvenient hours wouldn't change a thing. I'm not even someone who's conscientious about replying messages or emails, and you're not like that either :( what if we can't keep up with each other's lives anymore? Its a lousy feeling, an insecure feeling, and i hate feeling like that. But it bothers me everyday and in many ways.. the first thing people say to me when they hear you're going on exchange is: "so how?". I don't know how. It hurts that i don't know anything and i don't know whats going to happen. When i talk about it to other people, i always think of it objectively. Like "i'm gonna buy him a coat when i'm in Europe so he can take it on exchange", "i'm saving up money so i can visit him at year end". The truth is we can't guarantee it. The minute you talk to me about it, i can barely listen without feeling super lousy. I wish i could be more supportive. I can't complain either, because i know everybody will say the things i already try to tell myself. Who am i kidding? The only person who can make me feel better is you. But you look as lost i am. Like you don't know what you can say or do to assure me. Because we both don't know. And that is what scares me the most.

Today's event was quite a milestone - i'm not exactly sure i can say it went as well as i dared to hope it would, but it wasn't a disaster either hahaha. Yes i met SH's parents officially for dinner today to celebrate his brother's birthday. And it was nice too. They're so different from my parents, and my family, but in a way that is really endearing as well and i think i smiled a little bit too and quivered when i spoke but on the whole, phewww :)

Your hand it fits
Perfect in mine
The world has stopped
And so has time.

SH's gonna go on exchange in Holland next semester, which is a quite a bummer for me but i'm happy for him. Although i'm not sure how we'll deal with the distance because the two of us have been like muah chee (what our friends call us) for so long haha but i really hope we'll do okay. I think i'll be very lonely because he's the one who knows how i feel about things all the time, even though he usually has no opinion or has no idea what to say when i'm all angsty or upset haha but at least he's there.. :( well i'm not putting too much thought into it yet, just thinking about it makes me feel really really scared.

On a more positive note, summer in 5 days! These exams are likely to be my worst - the panic hasn't even hit me even though finals begin tomorrow and i'm still studying at sloth pace (die la). Haha. But i'm just too tired to care, can't wait for this to be over. Can't believe before entering uni i was so enthusiastic and bright and excited for everything. Now i'm just the opposite hahaha oh nooo it feels like as i get older i am really gonna get more jaded boo. Things to feel happy about:

• England and France with Hwee summer 2011! I've booked the ticket!!! :D
  
• Nike buddy run with my snailpal Jac
• ...

If i list them all, i'll never get back to studying. Which i should. Haha oh nooo

Fizzle sizzle. Sizzle fizzled. Sizzling fizz.

Tired :'(

What a nice happy SH day :)

Now that we've been together for quite a while haha i guess things are no longer dreamy the way it used to be. Not that i'm complaining though haha. The semi-squabbles, fake-fights (we call it fake-fights because by the end of the phone call one of us says something stupid and we laugh and usually we forget what stupid thing we were sort of annoyed with each other about) are inevitable but kinda our way of being totally honest with each other. Haha i don't mean like we weren't before - but its different? Its a good different, a nice happy comfortable secure kind of different. Like i can get be kinda angsty if he's late and stuff, but i know its not something that will ever jeopardize what we have. Actually i'm not sure that makes sense but haha yeaahh..

Anyway it was a nice day, because i got to support him at his frisbee IVP! I really hate the part where i get there and he's on the field and there's no one in the stands i know and i stand around awkwardly amongst the crowd of supporters. But its always worth it just seeing him play, whether its for the whole game or parts of the game. Its just nice watching him so in the zone and getting to hug him afterwards.

These days with all the school work piling up and i'm not productive as i'd like to be, its stuff like these that just remind me that school realllly isn't everything. And sometimes i know that even though these days we squabble with each other sometimes and spend way less time together, at the end of the day we're still as happy (or maybe even happier!) than when we first got together.

Ok off to bed :) exams in two freaking weeks. Damn screwed for it but boy am i looking forward to suuuummmerrrr!

I'm looking forward to dinner with Dee later hehe and i can't wait to eat this dessert thingy they have at serangoon gardens :p its just glutinous rice with ice cream and coconut milk all over and its the kind of yummy for a sweet tooth like me.