2 days short of 22 months ago i think today was a day i anticipated and maybe even for a long time afterwards, something i knew and cherished to know. But hush-hush things like that, all these secret hopes and memories that are kept eventually melt away into the whirl of everyday life. I don't think they are forgotten, but then again, when once in while they surface, it does command wistful feelings... so yes, i remember march 18, and today i remembered its january 17th, but it hardly matters anymore. And i really can't believe life has turned out like this.

SH and i are en route to a perfect 10 months, and sometimes i feel scared because the scariest thing is the future, right? We never know what to expect. But the best thing about SH is knowing that he's my pillar of strength everyday... he'll never melt away even in the hustle and bustle of shitty smu life. And the best i can do is always be my best for him, hoping he'll do the same too. The memories I have aren't secrets for me to keep, but to share. No more having to harbour secret crushes, because hello SH! I love you so much, and i get to tell you that everyday, see you everyday, love you more and more each day :)

It’s going to be a cold winter
But I wont need the heat to keep me warm
As long as you wrap yourself around me
On christmas mornin’
Whether it’s now or later
Got to tell you before you go, that
Love is always in your favor
And now you know that
All i want for christmas...
All i want for christmas...
All i want for christmas is us..
All i want for christmas is us...

What happens when you're at the crossroads and then you choose one path and its a path of no return? When you've already given up so many things to stay on this path, to keep going at it, as much as you feel like the further you venture, the woods only get thicker? What happens when every day you feel like giving up even more, when the efforts don't pay off, when people think they understand but really don't, when its all eating you up inside and you hate it so bad and you feel like a loser but there's really nothing you can do about it?

This sem my life is being distilled and sometimes i feel a little sad the way i've been weaned off certain things i used to consider really important.. but for most part, i guess its all part of growing up - we meet and interact with so many new people and make all sorts of new friends - but at the end of the day, sometimes it feels like the only person you can count on is yourself. Sorta. I'm really really blessed i have sh, because he lights up my day. Everyday. Just by being there. I can't really describe it, but he really gets me through my everydays. And jac too, because she's just a wonderful friend in so many ways :)

What could have been

There are some things i'll always remember, some things i still hold dear to me, memories that i'll forever cherish. Hehe. I don't even know if you know, or if you knew, but it was pretty special to me for a really really long time. I think up till today, a part of me sometimes still kinda sorta wanted to know. But after today, its nice that some things that are perhaps best left unsaid - what could have been would never be. In that way its like hitting "pause" at the good parts, freezing in time before things go awry...

A year on, its really just wonderful there are only good memories to hold onto :)

Summer has been truly amazing, i think its been the happiest 4 months i've ever lived :)

This world keeps spinning faster
Into a new disaster so I run to you
I run to you baby
And when it all starts coming undone
Baby you're the only one I run to
I run to you

As long i have you

Maybe i never really allowed myself to think about it, but the truth is, year 1 sem 1 was so hard in so many ways. I think i try my best to deviate from thoughts like that, but i can't forget those mornings when it took a lot just getting out of the car to walk to the mrt. But of course there were the good times. Hehe. All my project groups - crim, lslma, contract, LTB - and all the friends i've made, all the funny things we laughed about, the good times with jac.. and when i look back at it all, i remember the best day in sem 1: that rainy rainy saturday, after lslma meeting at robertson quay. And it obliterates every lousy memory in between, because now there'll be many many more rainy, sunny, happy days just like that to get me through anything school throws my way :)

These days i feel like i'm floating and i can't seem to get my feet back on the ground.. Summer's here, even though it's just begun, somehow it feels like i can do this forever. The clock's ticking - but nobody's watching the time - the memories i'm making this holiday is a hazy blend of day into night, all weaving into each other and i can barely remember what's happened the day before. But no matter! Because it is summer :) its finally summer. Whewwww.

When the stars explode,
And I'm all alone,
When they start to see the smoke,
When I'm finally burnin' out,
I'll need someone to carry me home safe and sound

My life in the rear view,
I'm running from Jesus,
Don't know where I'm goin' to.
I got nothin' to lose, I'm fightin' my demons,
Been lookin' for someone like you.

There's a light at the end of this tunnel.

Last year's wishes, are this year's apologies

Seems strange to me how at different points in our lives, we delegate so much importance to certain things.. but eventually and maybe gradually they erode away anyway. We hold them so close to our hearts, and the thought of anything changing at all is too alien, too frightening that we can't actually foresee it happening. And convince ourselves to believe that nothing's gonna change because what we already have is too good to be true. And we make these little promises that there are really some things that can last forever.

One year on from March 2009 i think life is now everything it wasn't. Haha. Like cookie dough. I've been kneaded, flattened by a rolling pin, squashed into biscuit moulds and cookie cutter shapes. Everything's so different, its as remote as remoteness can be from any inkling of foreseeability i might have possessed at this same point in time last year..

But i wouldn't say its for the better, i wouldn't put it down to say its worse, but one thing's for sure is i'm still happy! Even if happiness does seem a lot harder to come by. Or maybe its part of growing older (yikes! 2010).. still i can't help but feel sentimental sometimes.

I still miss what's long gone.